sometimes i re-read the things i write, and it makes me sick.

too much sugar can give you a stomach ache.
you can take that to the BANK.
and sometimes your reasoning sounds like a bush, and everyone is just beating the fuck around it.
how many games can we, and everyone else, play until we all look like nothing but a stack of jokers.
cause there are no aces.

there is no sensation. i can't say it's doubt, because that's taboo. but i cannot say it is not doubt, because then i could be lying. solutions? maybe. medication? maybe. FOREVER? no. i wish internet was never invented. there's too much pollution, too much lying, too much of everything.

i don't what i'm thinking. i'm just angry. there is an abominable place in my mind. like a melting snowman. sometimes things in life are just like coraline's other family. they only want your eyes and never your ears or fingers.

how long?

the end.

I just had it all buried, and then you mindfucked me and now here I am digging it back up. Sometimes I do stupid things to myself, and I really think you love to hear my heart scream.

I know who I am, but I didn't know I still had a lot more to learn.

You just bury it, and keep burying it, till you can't see it, feel it, hear it, touch it, smell it. Until it's all gone.

So maybe I'm not as innocent as I thought I was.

Whenever things feel normal there is always something to throw them off track. Usually I just start to feel guilty for letting things feel normal. It shouldn't be that way, I know. There isn't anything I can do though, or at least it feels that way.

Maybe when I get these books and camera I ordered, I will finally have something to keep me busy.

Things are never what they seem anymore. Drunkenness isn't the same. I couldn't feel my toes after some random guy spilled his beer all over my feet. The only thing I could really feel was the heat in my face. I couldn't find my thoughts no matter how hard I looked for them. I told her I wanted to leave, and she asked where was she going to stay. I was pissed because she was acting helpless and I just wanted to leave.

"You aren't a baby or an idiot."

She just looked at me with glazed eyes. Then my thoughts came rushing at me like a train.

"Why can't I be enough?"

She didn't hear me ask, and I was okay with that. I suddenly realized how bad I just wanted to drive home crying. My make up was coming off anyways. My ankle throbbed and so did my knee. I felt like I had just crawled out of a gutter. My long hair was becoming tangled again. God I want to cut it off so bad. Finally she decided she was going to stay at her boy toy's apartment and I made a B line to the door. He and her followed behind me as I quickly made way through the massive crowd out the door and to my car. He asked a bum for a lighter as I sat in the driver seat. She put her head in the window and told me she loved me. I nodded still staring at the bum. She stared for a moment and then walked away.

I bawled on the way home. Yes. This is exactly what I wanted.

Why is that I can never really cry unless I'm in my car driving home at some odd hour of the night? Why is it that no matter what I did for him it wasn't enough to make him want me anymore? I've always finished last when it came to relationships. There was always something better out there. I thought it would really take a shot to my selfesteem, but I remember the guy that asked for my number, because he thought I was beautiful with a feather around my neck. Don't tell me that I deserve better or that I'm too good for him in reality. Don't tell me that there are plenty of fish in the sea, because I've just about seen all genus and species of fish. I'm just sad, and I want to be.

Because, I can't bring him back from the dead.

It's not about just the heart. it's about movements. it's about movements in a mass. moving not only yourself but others. pushing for experiences, and giving everything.

i'd put the world in a dark place.

I could see myself getting close to you.
Especially after you explained the universe to me.

strikes

it started off as bliss
just a hit or miss kiss
and now im dazed and confused
feeling lost and abused
used- mistreated and achin
wonderin when am i gonna awaken
from this dream-no nightmare
where i'm unaware and scared
give me a sign or a flare
a right direction to the correct affection
not this affliction, an unnecessary addiction
to pain and hurt
and wonderin what's my worth
cause i been lost since birth
feeling like waldo in a city of creeps
or a herd of sheep
all the same in the brain
no direction in their mind
with only a little time and still stuck in the grime
victims of crim, out of the gutta
and im the darkness in your huddle
the doubt in your mind from the media slime
cause now all i am is poison
a toxic waste to society
constantly questioning my sobriety
because it started off as bliss
a hit or miss kiss
and all i got is this
dysfunctional thought
of what we were and we're not
and i'm just wastin my breath tryin' to figure out the rest.

too much too soon.
i'm only here to break your heart.
just understand i aint here for seriousness, just bliss.
and when i've had enough blissfullness- spit you out

favorites

some of my favorite things i have been told lately

"then you two can skate into the sunset, hand in hand...."

"i wish i didnt shake so much"
-"i bet someone loves that about you"

"if I could i'd knit you a blanket to keep you warm, since i can't"

love this song. the video is uh... questionable?

I slept in someone else's bed, and it smelled like the detergent on your clothes, and I said, "I don't need this."

"Why is it so important to you that I believe that something like that could happen. Because I'll tell you. Because if you can convince me, then suddenly your beliefs become more real. Right? The more people you can get to jump on your God's-on-the-wall train, the more your mission's made. So until you get me to swallow your world and believe what you believe, you'll never have the kind of faith you want to have. You'll always have a little bit of doubt. You'll... you'll never know if you're quite right. You'll always kind of be wondering if it's real. You'll always be sitting over there waiting for that man to come waltzing back in from the dead. And that's sad. That's really sad."

Ouch.

Hey kid, I’ve been thinking about you and me
You’re all over the place
So it’s hard to say this correctly
Give up or grow up

That song is so stuck in my head. LYRICS TO MY LIFE ACCORDINGLY. Funny, isn't it? I'm not scared anymore, just plain fed up.

I never saw just a regular guy in him. And anyone that ever says "oh he was just a self righteous pig" I fight it. I still fight it. I say "no, you don't know him. I knew him better than anyone, even better than his parents I think, so don't pass judgement on this situation alone." 

I'm trying to not let my perception be altered, but it's so hard. I'd like to think that not everyone will sit there and give up on me, and want something, I guess "better." I try to remind myself that I am appreciated somewhere, or that maybe things will turn around for us and I will be appreciated by you. I don't want things to turn me cold and bitter. I am not that person. I refuse to be. But when I'm laying there, watching animal kingdom and just playing things over in my head, it's hard to feel anything but coldness. I'm not gonna let it get to me, because I know who I am and what I have always stood for. Happiness through self-appreciation, through your own eyes. I don't need to be accepted by many other people. The ones that are truly my confidants or friends or anybody to me, will accept me the way I am, different. 

And so, and the countdown begins.

LETS GO SKATE, PUNK.

i miss that feeling

the one that's slowly dying

don't let it go, baby.

i painted a pair of eyes tonight. 

they  looked like this one..

then i made a mouth like this one

next i need a nose like mine....

"life will always hurt.
crawl back up the stairs, wounded, my little bird, and learn to fly so you can never fall again."

that touched me.

two years and it feels like it's all just gone down the drain.
you weren't strong enough and i was prepared. what a horrible combination.
it eats me up inside to think that maybe if we just waited a little longer to fall in love things might have worked out.
i know they will someday. i know it.

i fell down the stairs because it was so dark, and when i looked up, the top seemed so far. i cried when i hit the bottom, because i just sat there remembering what each step down felt like when it hit my head. it hurt. the sleeping bags are still in my trunk, and i can't tell right now if they'll make me cry tomorrow when i see them. i don't know how motivated i feel to even open it and see what will happen. i want to fall apart, but it just seems impossible to do. i want a lot of things, sleep, that touch. anytime i ever hurt, i just wanted you, and i feel that way now, but i know that you aren't there anymore for me to run to for their arms.

i wish that i was still a kid. i wish that i didn't get the sick lonely feeling when you said goodnight. i wish i still didnt swoon when you said my name.

i wish this didnt hurt. i wish i could still cry. i wish this didnt hurt.

FUCKING BOYS.

ohhhh myyyyy goddddddddd.

i give up.

Concave was the word he used to describe it.

"It's concave."

What the fuck does that even mean?
I've got too much going for me right now. I don't need anything "concave" in my life.

Get
the
fuck
out.

I'm like the trainer who was attacked by his tiger. No matter how bad it may have disfigured me, I will still cry when it dies, because I still loved it with my whole heart.

Everything feels like a fire inside me. My insides burn and it's hard to breathe. My eyes become blurred. What am I still doing here? Why am I torturing myself? Things feel so faded and yet I'm still standing here, waiting for them to start glowing again. I've never been more scared or pessimistic, and this isn't me. Why? Am I weak? Am I stupid?

I'm cold.

drifting in and out of consciousness lately.
it's these constant headaches i get from not eating enough, or from sleeping too much.
it's the stretch in my lower back, or maybe the stress from all of these tests i'm having to take.
i can't really put my finger on it. maybe it's this epiphany that i don't really need you, that maybe you just took me for granted, or that maybe this is just fate. either way, we've passed the fork in the road, and i am feeling pretty good about the directions we went in.

i don't need your pity fire when i've got a fucking bonfire going on in my part of the land.
you can take that insignificant spark and shove it.

I feel like I have some kind of disease. Two break ups in a matter of one weekend. How shitty. People say it's just the beginning of something new, and I'm not sure if I believe them. My mom says it's all just gonna pass, like a storm. I don't know if I want it to. I haven't been awake for quite some time and this is a good wake up call. I don't think I'm a bad person, but I think this is what I've needed just to reconnect. I know I won't have to let it go this far again though.

i find myself falling into that same place i was almost two years ago.
i don't want to let myself get to that point because it's so hard to get out of.

where is my sunshine?

always sad.
why.