I never saw just a regular guy in him. And anyone that ever says "oh he was just a self righteous pig" I fight it. I still fight it. I say "no, you don't know him. I knew him better than anyone, even better than his parents I think, so don't pass judgement on this situation alone." 

I'm trying to not let my perception be altered, but it's so hard. I'd like to think that not everyone will sit there and give up on me, and want something, I guess "better." I try to remind myself that I am appreciated somewhere, or that maybe things will turn around for us and I will be appreciated by you. I don't want things to turn me cold and bitter. I am not that person. I refuse to be. But when I'm laying there, watching animal kingdom and just playing things over in my head, it's hard to feel anything but coldness. I'm not gonna let it get to me, because I know who I am and what I have always stood for. Happiness through self-appreciation, through your own eyes. I don't need to be accepted by many other people. The ones that are truly my confidants or friends or anybody to me, will accept me the way I am, different. 

And so, and the countdown begins.