Things are never what they seem anymore. Drunkenness isn't the same. I couldn't feel my toes after some random guy spilled his beer all over my feet. The only thing I could really feel was the heat in my face. I couldn't find my thoughts no matter how hard I looked for them. I told her I wanted to leave, and she asked where was she going to stay. I was pissed because she was acting helpless and I just wanted to leave.

"You aren't a baby or an idiot."

She just looked at me with glazed eyes. Then my thoughts came rushing at me like a train.

"Why can't I be enough?"

She didn't hear me ask, and I was okay with that. I suddenly realized how bad I just wanted to drive home crying. My make up was coming off anyways. My ankle throbbed and so did my knee. I felt like I had just crawled out of a gutter. My long hair was becoming tangled again. God I want to cut it off so bad. Finally she decided she was going to stay at her boy toy's apartment and I made a B line to the door. He and her followed behind me as I quickly made way through the massive crowd out the door and to my car. He asked a bum for a lighter as I sat in the driver seat. She put her head in the window and told me she loved me. I nodded still staring at the bum. She stared for a moment and then walked away.

I bawled on the way home. Yes. This is exactly what I wanted.

Why is that I can never really cry unless I'm in my car driving home at some odd hour of the night? Why is it that no matter what I did for him it wasn't enough to make him want me anymore? I've always finished last when it came to relationships. There was always something better out there. I thought it would really take a shot to my selfesteem, but I remember the guy that asked for my number, because he thought I was beautiful with a feather around my neck. Don't tell me that I deserve better or that I'm too good for him in reality. Don't tell me that there are plenty of fish in the sea, because I've just about seen all genus and species of fish. I'm just sad, and I want to be.

Because, I can't bring him back from the dead.