I slept in someone else's bed, and it smelled like the detergent on your clothes, and I said, "I don't need this."

"Why is it so important to you that I believe that something like that could happen. Because I'll tell you. Because if you can convince me, then suddenly your beliefs become more real. Right? The more people you can get to jump on your God's-on-the-wall train, the more your mission's made. So until you get me to swallow your world and believe what you believe, you'll never have the kind of faith you want to have. You'll always have a little bit of doubt. You'll... you'll never know if you're quite right. You'll always kind of be wondering if it's real. You'll always be sitting over there waiting for that man to come waltzing back in from the dead. And that's sad. That's really sad."

Ouch.

Hey kid, I’ve been thinking about you and me
You’re all over the place
So it’s hard to say this correctly
Give up or grow up

That song is so stuck in my head. LYRICS TO MY LIFE ACCORDINGLY. Funny, isn't it? I'm not scared anymore, just plain fed up.

I never saw just a regular guy in him. And anyone that ever says "oh he was just a self righteous pig" I fight it. I still fight it. I say "no, you don't know him. I knew him better than anyone, even better than his parents I think, so don't pass judgement on this situation alone." 

I'm trying to not let my perception be altered, but it's so hard. I'd like to think that not everyone will sit there and give up on me, and want something, I guess "better." I try to remind myself that I am appreciated somewhere, or that maybe things will turn around for us and I will be appreciated by you. I don't want things to turn me cold and bitter. I am not that person. I refuse to be. But when I'm laying there, watching animal kingdom and just playing things over in my head, it's hard to feel anything but coldness. I'm not gonna let it get to me, because I know who I am and what I have always stood for. Happiness through self-appreciation, through your own eyes. I don't need to be accepted by many other people. The ones that are truly my confidants or friends or anybody to me, will accept me the way I am, different. 

And so, and the countdown begins.

LETS GO SKATE, PUNK.

i miss that feeling

the one that's slowly dying

don't let it go, baby.

i painted a pair of eyes tonight. 

they  looked like this one..

then i made a mouth like this one

next i need a nose like mine....

"life will always hurt.
crawl back up the stairs, wounded, my little bird, and learn to fly so you can never fall again."

that touched me.

two years and it feels like it's all just gone down the drain.
you weren't strong enough and i was prepared. what a horrible combination.
it eats me up inside to think that maybe if we just waited a little longer to fall in love things might have worked out.
i know they will someday. i know it.

i fell down the stairs because it was so dark, and when i looked up, the top seemed so far. i cried when i hit the bottom, because i just sat there remembering what each step down felt like when it hit my head. it hurt. the sleeping bags are still in my trunk, and i can't tell right now if they'll make me cry tomorrow when i see them. i don't know how motivated i feel to even open it and see what will happen. i want to fall apart, but it just seems impossible to do. i want a lot of things, sleep, that touch. anytime i ever hurt, i just wanted you, and i feel that way now, but i know that you aren't there anymore for me to run to for their arms.

i wish that i was still a kid. i wish that i didn't get the sick lonely feeling when you said goodnight. i wish i still didnt swoon when you said my name.

i wish this didnt hurt. i wish i could still cry. i wish this didnt hurt.

FUCKING BOYS.

ohhhh myyyyy goddddddddd.

i give up.

Concave was the word he used to describe it.

"It's concave."

What the fuck does that even mean?
I've got too much going for me right now. I don't need anything "concave" in my life.

Get
the
fuck
out.

I'm like the trainer who was attacked by his tiger. No matter how bad it may have disfigured me, I will still cry when it dies, because I still loved it with my whole heart.

Everything feels like a fire inside me. My insides burn and it's hard to breathe. My eyes become blurred. What am I still doing here? Why am I torturing myself? Things feel so faded and yet I'm still standing here, waiting for them to start glowing again. I've never been more scared or pessimistic, and this isn't me. Why? Am I weak? Am I stupid?

I'm cold.

drifting in and out of consciousness lately.
it's these constant headaches i get from not eating enough, or from sleeping too much.
it's the stretch in my lower back, or maybe the stress from all of these tests i'm having to take.
i can't really put my finger on it. maybe it's this epiphany that i don't really need you, that maybe you just took me for granted, or that maybe this is just fate. either way, we've passed the fork in the road, and i am feeling pretty good about the directions we went in.

i don't need your pity fire when i've got a fucking bonfire going on in my part of the land.
you can take that insignificant spark and shove it.