disappointment comes as a rush sometimes. i think everyone needs disappointment at least once in a while. bring you back down from that cloud you're sitting on.

job job work.

hey soul sista

is everything okay?
"yeah everything is fucking SPLENDA"

lululululululololololololossssssing it

just once i'd like to hear you say

"i want you here"

I don't know the difference. or maybe i can't feel the difference. maybe it's when i was leaving his house that i felt it creep up on me. a sense of unhappiness. a prick in my spine. a tingle on the tongue, or maybe the numbness in my knees. it's like my eyes were clouded over with creepy.

i should consider them insignificant, but i can't. there are some things that cannot be ignored.

maybe we shouldnt fight.

you were always there to listen, even if you couldn't understand. your words were harsh, but you didn't know any other way. it doesn't take but a second for you to say "what's wrong" when you hear the slightest tone of doubt in my voice, that's if you don't already know what the situation is. i know you aren't the best at giving advice or compassion in some circumstances, and your understand ability isn't exactly top notch, but it's just the fact that you've always tried to improve everything so that i am comfortable just a little. i asked you to care, and you started to kiss my forehead more. i asked you to try to understand, you began to just shut up and listen. i asked you to be more affectionate, and you grabbed my hand in a moments notice. it doesn't matter the size of the step but that is was taken for me. and since these times, they have only become larger.

all it took was me plus you to make an us.

It's easy to say that there are 4 categories of girls. Those that lack confidence, those that have fake confidence, those that have too much confidence, and those that are just comfortable with themselves. I think what a lot of teenage girls lack is confidence. It surprises me sometimes on how they constantly nit pick at themselves. I am happy to say that I was never that way. At least not about the way I looked. I have always been moderately happy with myself. Of course, like any other girl, I wore makeup, but never large amounts of it. Mostly just some powder and mascara will do. I really like eye lashes. I don't think what they've ever understood is that most guys seem to like confidence in their girls. I've learned this over the years (mostly during middle school), but that a guy just doesn't want to have to deal with a girl that doesn't think highly of herself, or at least have a bit of confidence. That's too much baggage, in my opinion, but I think a lot of people can agree with that to some extent. Then there are some that have fake confidence. Those that will bravely state they are fully confident in themselves but demand acceptance from every person they meet. Those are your social chameleons that insist they blend into their environment. I don't mean wear camouflage and roam the land, but will perk their appearance to whatever genre of people they may come into contact with. They DEMAND that they are up to date with the art or music these people talk about. These are often the girls that throw themselves out into romance, and are constantly puppy dog eyed in the streets looking for mr. perfect. They are also the ones that settle. They lower their standards so that they can just have some bit of affection. They do this and still claim their independence and confidence is at an all time high. Some girls on the other hand have too much confidence. They become elitist. They set their standards too high and become bitter when they don't get exactly what they want. They are your cat ladies. They are probably the ones with the up to date fashion, cars, books, everything. They are also the teases. The ones that hold themselves as some kind of an award to be won. You feel like you've almost got it, and as soon as you think you are able to touch it, they yank it away from you within the blink of an eye. Last, are your comfortable girls. These are usually the ones you find to be most relaxed in an environment of people. They aren't necessarily going up to everyone in the room, but they aren't exactly shy either. They are comfortable in their skin, and yet still remain modest. They hold themselves to be like everyone else, equal, yet with their own spark at the same time. They are not an elitist, but do set a high standard, one that could be met. They aren't hard to find because they're usually your best friend. I only thought about this because of the conversation I had with my friend the other night. It really got me thinking about girls. Personally, I've never really had close girl friends. There has only ever been one. She comes and go's though. I always had more fun hanging out with guys, but with a boyfriend that is merely impossible. And that is fine by me. I don't complain at all. Thus is life.

what is love to me?

love is waking up and being able to handle their morning breath.

it's simple.
it's explainable.
it's a verb.
its not an emotion.
it's a movement.
not just an expression.
you cannot feel love.
you can only give and receive it.
it's simple.

i've had this feeling for a long time. i'm never giving up on it.

im never giving up on it.

its trashy for girls to smoke cigarettes
so i guess im compost
i dont give a fuck, i will do what i do and keep doing it
SORRY SOCIETY.

i don't know what it is with my fascination with strangers, but apparently it's dangerous. not like we never learned that through out grade school and into intermediate school, but who cares. i'm at this point now where i don't care how much danger i'm in, if it feels good, then i want it. it's not so much that i don't value my life, but i am just bored all the time. this is not a good thing at all. i don't mean it in a way that i would do bad things, but that being bored just isnt good. i need more interesting things in my life. music has sufficed and it will always be good, but how long it can hold out, i do not know.

it doesnt really matter how complicated you are, and how unfortunate events occur in every day life. times passes and i can't even feel it sometimes. i talk and it doesnt matter. i hear these things and it never makes sense. i feel and it always comes in thousands.

nothing
makes
sense
when
im
not
home

Did I say that I need you?
Oh, Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t now I’m a fool you see,..
No one know this more than me.
As I come clean.

Nothing you would take,..
everything you gave.
Hold me till I die,..
Meet you on the other side.

spaz if you want to

so that's what that is.

nostalgia. a bad dream. fuck. 

i feel good. good as good gets. fuck you.

i don't know what it is.
but this is weird. frustrating.
etc.
fuck

numb

everywhere

"you don't deserve this. this is unfair and you know it.
drop it. i mean really why?
you could be out doing things instead of locked up.
what do you think _____________ is doing? doesnt deserve you"

"you just gotta love love love until its all over.
its not a bad thing to have hope. what do you want to hear?"

you know what to do.

slow dancing in a burning room

how dare you say its nothing to me

baby you're the only light i saw

everyone says man fuck that shit

i say, no. this is gonna make it.

false hope?

i found it.

"when you find this, you know we are soulmates"

i will never cry this hard in my life again.

so it is this. forever and ever. peaceful and chaotic in its own form. sad yet beautiful. and long and short. i can only listen.

i'm learning guitar. thank you. practicing the a and d chords, and my fingers are so sore. :(

sleep seems so good, but i can't find any. hate being alone with nothing to drift to sleep to but the sound of my own echo. i will be okay.

new book

i think what you're doing is a mistake. and i feel like you know it is too. that you don't want this to be real just as much as i don't want it to be real. it's because you're scared. i could hear it in your voice when you said you hated me. you don't hate me. i know you don't. i feel okay even though this process is going to be hard. i didn't end on bad terms with you, like you seemed to with me. i can only apologize so many times to you, and i did. you need to let go of the past and learn to not hold onto it the way you did. i know you wont lose sleep over this, because you never have, and that's okay. we are two different people, and i know you'll think well thats why this is over, but that's not why. it's what kept us together. we were intrigued by each other, and loved each other because we were opposites. cliche, but opposites do attract. maybe sometime down the road you'll come to this realization and we'll be in love again. until then, i guess i just have to keep my pace and keep looking at the brightside of things. you've been the one that's inspired me to do the things i have made a goal to do. and im going to do them, for myself mostly, but because you were that igniting spark as well. and i thank you for that from the bottom of my heart. you've only made me a better person, and for this i will forever be grateful for. i know i will think about you from time to time, and that it wont hurt me, but only make me happy. i'm putting your things in a box. i don't want to get rid of them. but i don't want to see them while i'm trying to get through the healing process. you were my first everything, and i wanted you to be my last everything. i still do somewhere. everything is going to be okay. i know it. and so it really comes to these songs that help me express the way i feel now.




Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order's tall

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
In the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different "kind"
I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love what happened here
Suckle on the hope in lite brassiere
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full; so slow on the split

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
Now all your love is wasted?
Then who the hell was I?
Now I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines
Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?

but its not just that. it never was. and what i hold onto now is the memory of when everything felt like i was flying with you, when we sat in your room, right before the shit went down, and we sang to you playing your guitar about our week. thats the memory i am definitely keeping forever. im holding onto others, but thats one i'm trying my hardest to keep from fading.

Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don't you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

Let it slide,
Let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine
Until you feel it all around you
And i don't mind
If it's me you need to turn to
We'll get by,
It's the heart that really matters in the end

Our lives are made
In these small hours
These little wonders,
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away,
But these small hours,
These small hours still remain

All of my regret
Will wash away some how
But i can not forget
The way i feel right now

In these small hours
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours, still remain,
Still remain
These little wonders
These twists & turns of fate
Time falls away
But these small hours
These little wonders still remain


if there is someone next, they have big shoes to fill. they really do.

I've seen ugly people turn into beautiful people. I've seen ragged and bones into glutton and cholesterol. I don't know how to feel or think. Nothing makes sense sometimes when you aren't here. I can't think.

~we're not gonna be those cool parents~

we'll beat our kids asses





We laugh until we think we’ll die,
Barefoot on a summer night
Nothin’ new is sweeter than with you
And in the streets you run afree,
Like it's only you and me,
Geeze, you're something to see.
Ahh Home. Let me go home.
Home is wherever I'm with you.
Ahh Home. Let me go ho-oh-ome.
Home is wherever I'm with you.

you gave me a perfect weekend. thank you. it was just another reminder of how perfect we are.
i don't think i've felt more happier or comfortable with any other person in my life
this is nature's glue

so behind
extremely behind
you have no idea how behind

IM SO HAPPY OMG

I have this internal light. It never goes out.
it never goes out
never.

sometimes i don't know how to feel about the words that are coming out of your mouth. i'm glad you don't sugar coat them, but it stings, and burns, like hydrogen peroxide on fresh scrapes when you're a kid. it's the worst pain sometimes, and sometimes i can't even take it seriously. this time, i'm taking them as motivation. trust me, i see reality, but i see what reality could be like in the future too. sometimes i don't understand though. you tell me you have a lot that you have to concentrate on, and then you tell me that it makes you sad us being apart. you're hard to please. but things are gonna be good. i will make them good. i'm gonna do whatever it takes without getting stepped on.

THANK YOU FOR LIGHTING MY FIRE.

happy birthday to who?

it was probably the worst birthday i've had thus far
which is okay i guess
the day after was even worse
but there were good moments, some really good moments

those count times two, as always

school is a drag
and it's scary getting older

i'm behind in everything
nothing is possible
nothing

oh wtf

"hey remember that time when..."
"oh and when ..."

man i don't remember shit

thats not real ~
fuck

for the record ~

things are gonna get harder.
this is going to get easy
but good fucking thing we were built ford tough.

my babe.

oh

happy october 1st

these days.....

oh well

at least say goodnight, jeez :|

shedding skin

i guess what i really want to say is that i'm tired of this life. i don't mean the people i know now, but more or less of this stage of life. college, work, college work, college, work, college work, test, test, test, blah blah blahblahlabasdfblahbdbaalahablahabdfljdkf35q8(pro5jk87366374Q67Yu3^%#*9ui3y^%#Y

i already want to be into my career and with my family. it's kind of weird to want right? actually shut up i don't care if it is. you suck anyways. haha. cool.

i realized that this person built themself up to be perfect, and in reality that was their biggest flaw. what a lame ass.

i completely agreed with this lady on larry king. that's the first time that's ever happened. APPLAUSE.

sleep.

tick tock tick tock

i heart huckabees makes me not know what the fuck i want.

out of everything.

i go to jack in the box, and i think, what is the coincidence of picking a taco over a jumbo jack...

what the hell?

strep does weird things to you. sore neck. sore back. sudden crave for sodas. 

i really want a box of old photographs.

new covers

he started to catch on. "and then you can think it's me, babybebebooboobehbehbabababababa"

under blankets you'll find silk, birthdays, gasps of air.
rosy cheeks never looked so good.

this aint art mother fucker, this is SANITY.