I just had it all buried, and then you mindfucked me and now here I am digging it back up. Sometimes I do stupid things to myself, and I really think you love to hear my heart scream.

I know who I am, but I didn't know I still had a lot more to learn.

You just bury it, and keep burying it, till you can't see it, feel it, hear it, touch it, smell it. Until it's all gone.

So maybe I'm not as innocent as I thought I was.

Whenever things feel normal there is always something to throw them off track. Usually I just start to feel guilty for letting things feel normal. It shouldn't be that way, I know. There isn't anything I can do though, or at least it feels that way.

Maybe when I get these books and camera I ordered, I will finally have something to keep me busy.

Things are never what they seem anymore. Drunkenness isn't the same. I couldn't feel my toes after some random guy spilled his beer all over my feet. The only thing I could really feel was the heat in my face. I couldn't find my thoughts no matter how hard I looked for them. I told her I wanted to leave, and she asked where was she going to stay. I was pissed because she was acting helpless and I just wanted to leave.

"You aren't a baby or an idiot."

She just looked at me with glazed eyes. Then my thoughts came rushing at me like a train.

"Why can't I be enough?"

She didn't hear me ask, and I was okay with that. I suddenly realized how bad I just wanted to drive home crying. My make up was coming off anyways. My ankle throbbed and so did my knee. I felt like I had just crawled out of a gutter. My long hair was becoming tangled again. God I want to cut it off so bad. Finally she decided she was going to stay at her boy toy's apartment and I made a B line to the door. He and her followed behind me as I quickly made way through the massive crowd out the door and to my car. He asked a bum for a lighter as I sat in the driver seat. She put her head in the window and told me she loved me. I nodded still staring at the bum. She stared for a moment and then walked away.

I bawled on the way home. Yes. This is exactly what I wanted.

Why is that I can never really cry unless I'm in my car driving home at some odd hour of the night? Why is it that no matter what I did for him it wasn't enough to make him want me anymore? I've always finished last when it came to relationships. There was always something better out there. I thought it would really take a shot to my selfesteem, but I remember the guy that asked for my number, because he thought I was beautiful with a feather around my neck. Don't tell me that I deserve better or that I'm too good for him in reality. Don't tell me that there are plenty of fish in the sea, because I've just about seen all genus and species of fish. I'm just sad, and I want to be.

Because, I can't bring him back from the dead.

It's not about just the heart. it's about movements. it's about movements in a mass. moving not only yourself but others. pushing for experiences, and giving everything.

i'd put the world in a dark place.

I could see myself getting close to you.
Especially after you explained the universe to me.

strikes

it started off as bliss
just a hit or miss kiss
and now im dazed and confused
feeling lost and abused
used- mistreated and achin
wonderin when am i gonna awaken
from this dream-no nightmare
where i'm unaware and scared
give me a sign or a flare
a right direction to the correct affection
not this affliction, an unnecessary addiction
to pain and hurt
and wonderin what's my worth
cause i been lost since birth
feeling like waldo in a city of creeps
or a herd of sheep
all the same in the brain
no direction in their mind
with only a little time and still stuck in the grime
victims of crim, out of the gutta
and im the darkness in your huddle
the doubt in your mind from the media slime
cause now all i am is poison
a toxic waste to society
constantly questioning my sobriety
because it started off as bliss
a hit or miss kiss
and all i got is this
dysfunctional thought
of what we were and we're not
and i'm just wastin my breath tryin' to figure out the rest.

too much too soon.
i'm only here to break your heart.
just understand i aint here for seriousness, just bliss.
and when i've had enough blissfullness- spit you out

favorites

some of my favorite things i have been told lately

"then you two can skate into the sunset, hand in hand...."

"i wish i didnt shake so much"
-"i bet someone loves that about you"

"if I could i'd knit you a blanket to keep you warm, since i can't"

love this song. the video is uh... questionable?