sometimes i re-read the things i write, and it makes me sick.

too much sugar can give you a stomach ache.
you can take that to the BANK.
and sometimes your reasoning sounds like a bush, and everyone is just beating the fuck around it.
how many games can we, and everyone else, play until we all look like nothing but a stack of jokers.
cause there are no aces.

there is no sensation. i can't say it's doubt, because that's taboo. but i cannot say it is not doubt, because then i could be lying. solutions? maybe. medication? maybe. FOREVER? no. i wish internet was never invented. there's too much pollution, too much lying, too much of everything.

i don't what i'm thinking. i'm just angry. there is an abominable place in my mind. like a melting snowman. sometimes things in life are just like coraline's other family. they only want your eyes and never your ears or fingers.

how long?

the end.

I just had it all buried, and then you mindfucked me and now here I am digging it back up. Sometimes I do stupid things to myself, and I really think you love to hear my heart scream.

I know who I am, but I didn't know I still had a lot more to learn.

You just bury it, and keep burying it, till you can't see it, feel it, hear it, touch it, smell it. Until it's all gone.

So maybe I'm not as innocent as I thought I was.

Whenever things feel normal there is always something to throw them off track. Usually I just start to feel guilty for letting things feel normal. It shouldn't be that way, I know. There isn't anything I can do though, or at least it feels that way.

Maybe when I get these books and camera I ordered, I will finally have something to keep me busy.

Things are never what they seem anymore. Drunkenness isn't the same. I couldn't feel my toes after some random guy spilled his beer all over my feet. The only thing I could really feel was the heat in my face. I couldn't find my thoughts no matter how hard I looked for them. I told her I wanted to leave, and she asked where was she going to stay. I was pissed because she was acting helpless and I just wanted to leave.

"You aren't a baby or an idiot."

She just looked at me with glazed eyes. Then my thoughts came rushing at me like a train.

"Why can't I be enough?"

She didn't hear me ask, and I was okay with that. I suddenly realized how bad I just wanted to drive home crying. My make up was coming off anyways. My ankle throbbed and so did my knee. I felt like I had just crawled out of a gutter. My long hair was becoming tangled again. God I want to cut it off so bad. Finally she decided she was going to stay at her boy toy's apartment and I made a B line to the door. He and her followed behind me as I quickly made way through the massive crowd out the door and to my car. He asked a bum for a lighter as I sat in the driver seat. She put her head in the window and told me she loved me. I nodded still staring at the bum. She stared for a moment and then walked away.

I bawled on the way home. Yes. This is exactly what I wanted.

Why is that I can never really cry unless I'm in my car driving home at some odd hour of the night? Why is it that no matter what I did for him it wasn't enough to make him want me anymore? I've always finished last when it came to relationships. There was always something better out there. I thought it would really take a shot to my selfesteem, but I remember the guy that asked for my number, because he thought I was beautiful with a feather around my neck. Don't tell me that I deserve better or that I'm too good for him in reality. Don't tell me that there are plenty of fish in the sea, because I've just about seen all genus and species of fish. I'm just sad, and I want to be.

Because, I can't bring him back from the dead.